Today has been one of those days. You know the kind I mean. The kind of day when confusion and conflict turn your life into an out of control merry-go-round. Your brain is swirling. You’re getting nauseous. Wanting to slow down, stop, get OFF. But there’s no getting off this twirling chaos machine. And where she stops nobody knows.
Yep. That was my day. Infact, that’s been more like my summer.
For the past two years I’ve had only one big goal: To make it to Belize.
Ah, Belize, the land of coconut milk and hibiscus honey. The place where I would finally belong. Where I could dig in with my long-term missionary dream and make a difference. Where I could put down roots and let my hair grow. A veritable promise land.
There was only one problem with that whole picture. Belize wasn’t God’s plan.
I got to Belize on a late night three months ago, and I was shocked to feel my heart plummet when all my well-laid expectations said it should be leaping. I felt like a pilgrim who’d waited all her life to see streets of gold, only to discover those streets were just painted aluminum foil.
I was heartsick. Flailing for direction. Wondering where God was, or where I was, or who moved- me or Him. Like a princess in a skycastle of glass when the shards start falling.
I learned a lot of hard lessons from that experience. The biggest lesson terrifies me to this day.
See, I learned that God has given me the power to create. Sure, I can’t say “let there be light” unless I’ve got a light bulb and an ‘on’ switch, but I can say “let there be Belize”. And I did.
Two years ago, in a time of uncertainty about direction or future, I thought I should be reasonable. Reason said that Belize made amazing sense for us. Reason said that it was financially feasible, would be good for my health, would be close to the US and yet in a foreign country, etc. , etc. , etc.
Good old Mr. Reason. So often the enemy of faith. But I didn’t see him as an enemy. I saw him as, well, reasonable. And so I took his advice and began planning, and studying, and dreaming, and promoting Belize to all my family and friends.
By the time we actually went to Belize to confirm our ‘destiny’, I had not only constructed a multi-tiered skycastle of epic proportions, but talked others into coming inside with me.
There is something very, very scary about that. I have the ability to dream things into existence. To draw up blueprints and hammer away until I have a glittery kingdom of goals and ambitions. And even to persuade others to join me in the construction. But if this ability is God-given but not God-submitted, I endanger myself and others too. And that is frightening.
So, now I’m on the other side, as any good, pendulum-swinging Christian would be. And I don’t know when it’s okay to dream. This is a serious ailment when you’re a dreamer by nature. When dreams and vision are what keep you moving. But that’s where I am tonight. That’s the blinking light I have on God’s answering machine.
When is it okay? When am I allowed to jump in with all my might, (considerable horsepower indeed), and just go for it? And, for that matter, which of the other dreams I’m stoking, like say my writing, are even supposed to be burning in the first place?
How many of my dreams are headed for the dark night of disillusionment? And by the way, is that disillusionment just a test of faith? Or a closed door?
The crucible. Such fun. But as some wise soul once said, “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ ” And so I shall.
Perhaps tomorrow holds my answers.
